Tristan: Six Months

Summer has flown by, and so has the time with my little baby!

Tristan is becoming quite the animated little guy. He absolutely LOVES his big brother and will giggle at him for really no reason at all. I love that they like each other so much right now, and although I know that will inevitably change, I can see them being quite the pals during their childhoods at least.

At six months, Tristan is around 20 pounds. I have no idea where this big boy came from, but soon he will be closing in on Brady's lean 32-pound frame! It's hard to keep him in any one size of clothing, shoe, or diaper (size 4!) for very long.

He is wearing 12-month or 12-18 month clothing, although I still squeeze him in some 9 month items if I can. I just can't wrap my mind around his size - he is outgrowing stuff at six months that Brady wore at 1+ years. The one thing that ISN'T large - his head :)

Even with his size, the kid still loves to stand. He finally started rolling over back to front at around five months, but if he could have his way, he'd stand all the time.

Tristan is a bit of a mama's boy - in the evenings, he will watch me like a hawk and hates to be away from me. It's cute and all, but hard to be gone for very long. And he's stopped taking bottles of any kind, so yeah, we're mostly a package deal these days!

Little man is really good with his hands. He loves batting and shaking toys, and grabbing his toes. Patty Toes (aka Patty Cake) is his very favorite, and I even found him grabbing his toes and patting them together a few times when I would sing the song - it's so precious!

As much as daddy really wants a ball player, T-man might just be another musical type (not that he can't be both!). He is terrible at riding in the car, but a few weeks ago I discovered loud rock-type music with lots of guitars and drums will quiet him immediately! Unfortunately for Gamma Lauterbach, I forgot to pass along this handy little tip the other night when she drove him from downtown to her house....whoops!

I think he is going to be teething soon - I sound like a broken record, but he's so slobbery, and his gums are rock-hard. He's got a constant runny nose this week, so I'm betting something will break through soon. Oh, joy.

In case you couldn't already tell, Chubber LOVES food. It took him two times to get the hang of eating with a spoon, and now he hoovers it. I can't shovel it in fast enough. He loves peas, carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, rice cereal....everything I've given him, he's loved - EXCEPT the sweet peas I made for him. Awesome.

We are going through a phase now where he constantly wants attention. He loves to be held, and that includes while he falls asleep. I really don't hold him all the time and let him fuss quite a bit, but it's a bad habit he's developed and it needs to be stopped! In fact, he's screaming right now, has been for at least a half an hour, and it's almost 10:30pm. Did I mention he's strong-willed? He's exhausted but just won't give up - I even put the pacifier back in, but he just wants to be held. It's hard to know if he's just being a stinker, or if he's not feeling well from his teeth. 

When he's not screaming endlessly, he really is the happiest, smiliest baby alive, I swear. He is constantly grinning from ear to ear, and just loves to interact with people. I think he might be a little distracting at church to those who sit behind us, but who can resist a cute, toothless grin from a baby :)

It's so hard to believe he's already six months old. It feels like I just brought him home. Our nephew Jaxon was born at the end of August, and he weighed the same as Tristan did when he was born. I just shake my head in amazement, and a little sadness, that Tristan went from less than 7 1/2 pounds to the boy he is today in so few months. God truly is incredible.

Tristan: Three Months

I know it's a tired expression, but in this case, the time really has flown by. I don't know if it's because I have two kids, or we've kept busy, or maybe because Tristan is just gargantuan, but I feel like my little baby is gone already at 3 months!

Tristan is such a joy and at such a fun age right now. He is such a happy, smiley, LOUD baby. He will tell you all about it and then some, competing to be heard over big brother's constant jabbering.

At three months, Tristan weighs SIXTEEN pounds. yes. sixteen. He's very tall and has a budda belly as well as some mega-thighs :) I would swear he is older than he is if I didn't know better, he looks more like a six-month-old than an infant half that age!

He has great control of his arms and found his thumb a couple weeks ago. I know it's not a good habit, but it is just adorable to see him sucking his tiny thumb. He loves to lay on the floor and play with toys suspended over him. He is quite good at batting or pulling on toys, and loves when people play with his feet.

He seems to look less like Brady all the time and more like me. But one thing that is a total deja vu moment for me is when he gets excited about something. He stands up (with assistance of course!), gets this serious, Zoolander "Blue Steel" kind of look, and shakes his arms. It's really cute, and exactly what Brady used to do when he was excited, too.

Praise God the colicky phase is over, but now he might be teething....it's early, but he chomps and drools, and just gets kind of crabby. He loves gnawing on my knuckles, and kind of seems like he might be trying to cut some teeth soon.

I figured out I wasn't drinking enough water to keep up with his appetite. Since I have been forcing myself to drink more, I've been able to keep up with nursing much better. Obviously, his weight isn't suffering :)

Tristan is in size 2 diaper, and is in size 6 month clothing, although I think he will be out of that pretty soon. I can't get out the next box of clothes and get them washed up fast enough, he starts outgrowing them immediately.

I feel kind of bad that all of his nicknames revolve around his size. chubber, chubber cheeks, budda belly, chunky monkey, to name a few :) 

He may be a big boy, and I do miss my little baby, but he's super snuggly. My favorite is when he rests his head on my chest, wide awake, and just lets out a few coos and gurgles. He's just happy and content to lay with his mommy, and it's those moments that I wish I could just bottle up and cherish forever.

Tristan's Milestones

I plan to keep this post updated with Tristan's milestones. For now we don't have many, but that changes daily as he grows into a happy little boy!

First roll (tummy to back): March (yes, MARCH!!) 23

First (real) smile: April 11

Introducing Tristan Daniel Marks

Whew, it's been a whirlwind of a month, but I think we've finally settled into life with a toddler and an infant! It's a bit overdue, but I'm glad to finally introduce Tristan Daniel to the blog!

Tristan was born March 7 at 6:11am. He was 7lbs, 6oz and 19 inches long. A full pound smaller than his big brother, which I didn't mind! I also didn't mind that he came a week early, also opposite of his brother :)

I hope to post details of his arrival soon, but until then, here are some fun facts about our little guy:

• Tristan was tongue-tied at birth, which was a whole big issue I won't go into. But one tongue-clip later, he eats great and has full use of his tongue!

• Tristan also had an ear that was bent forward and didn't curl at the top (I call it his Yoda ear). We had a mold put on his ear that was supposed to correct it in two months, but after 10 days, it had already worked!

• The boy eats like a CHAMP. Before bed he downs 5-6 oz at a time!

• He is a super fussy/spitty baby. It's taken a full month, but I am hoping we've turned the corner away from sleepless nights and screaming until 2 am.

• With his big appetite, he has a big tummy to go with it :) Brady was always a small, skinny kid, so this chubby baby thing is new to me! His tummy and cheeks have earned him the nickname "Chunky Monkey".

• Tristan is the squeakiest child! He grunts and squeaks ALL the time - earning "Squeaky" as his other nickname.

• When he was born, Tristan could hold his weight with is legs. He could also hold up his head and look around without flopping. We knew he was strong, but we were pretty surprised when he started rolling over at two weeks!

• When he's happy, Tristan breathes really fast like he can't catch his breath, his eyes get really big, and then he sighs with a happy "OHHHHH!". It's pretty cute :)

• We've fought it for a month, but it's clear that Tristan is a tummy sleeper.

• I know it's not on purpose, but he smiles in his sleep all the time. Not little smirks, but full-on, gummy grins that are really precious!

• Although I admit I was hoping for a girl this time, I love my two boys!

• Brady is the best big brother, and loves Tristan more than I ever thought he could at age three.

• Two children is a lot bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Thank goodness for family and friends who've helped in the beginning, especially my mom and dad!

I don't know when I'll get back into regular blogging, but for now, here are some photos from Tristan's big arrival!

Pregnancy Update: Week 36 + WYRW

Swollen, blobby mess. That about sums up my physical and mental state these days! I think a ban on all photos of me should be enacted now through D-day.

Last Friday, I went to the OB for a check up and to get the OK to travel to Minnesota for a quick weekend getaway. I have suspected I've had low iron at various times throughout this pregnancy, and a hemoglobin test confirmed that - so more steak, broccoli, and spinach for me! Hopefully that will help curb my lightheadedness, extra fatigue, and irritability I've been experiencing. Yes, I blame all irritability on the iron deficiency, and not that fact that I am an emotional roller-coaster anyway and have a tiring toddler to contend with everyday. The attitude of a teenager with a toddler's body and mind. It's just such a treat....

I gained three pounds in two weeks, which was more than past weeks, and I have a feeling between vacation, my couch-potatoness, and swelling, that trend will continue. But we did discover that I have started dilating (tmi? sorry!), which could mean nothing but is encouraging nonetheless! I KNEW all these contractions aren't just practice :)

The doctor also said once I was considered full term, they would probably order an ultrasound to check the baby's size. It took a couple seconds and then I realized what she was saying. "He's big, isn't he?" I'd been saying for the last two weeks that he just all of a sudden felt HUGE. She said yes, he seemed to be a good size little guy. Good news - maybe I will go into labor early and/or be induced (ick) closer to 37 weeks rather than 40 (or 41). Bad news - I am not a large or tall person, and I have a short torso. My ribs, lungs, and back are at their limit NOW!

As soon as we got back from Minnesota, which was an adventure in and of itself that I will write about shortly, serious swelling set in. And I've had about as much of our mattress as I can take - it USED to be comfortable due to our nice feather topper. A couple years ago after a suspected bed-bug incident, we purchased an expensive casing to go over our mattress and feather-topper. Well, since then the feather-topper ripped, and the thousands of feathers that are now loose in the casing have nestled into every crevasse where our bodies DON'T lay. Basically, we need a new mattress - NOW.

Complain much, huh? I do want to acknowledge that I am very grateful for relative health and well-being for both the baby and myself. I know I sound ungrateful - around 8 weeks I was annoyed and irritated with my nausea. I felt terrible and couldn't muster the energy to do anything. Granted, our scare at 10 weeks gave me a little boost of "I will endure anything I have to if the baby can just be ok!" But, the woe-is-me attitude returned once the pregnancy was back on track.

I have close friends and family who have struggled with fertility. In all honesty, it’s nothing I have experience with. I can’t imagine how couples endure who wait months, or years to have a baby. Or how women who have one, two, three, more miscarriages, well into that first trimester. They endure over and over the gross symptoms I complained about so routinely, with no baby to show for it in the end.

It’s true, at least for me, that much of pregnancy just sucks. But I hope I never, ever forget how lucky I am to even be married and able to carry children naturally, without intervention. My prayer today is for those who are unmarried and desire children, those who are married and struggling with conception, and those who have tried everything and still continue to wait. That God would choose to give to them what He so abundantly has given to us!

Even if all I feel like today is a swollen, blobby mess :)

Would You Rather Wednesday: Would you rather take multiple, small trips each year, or one bigger trip every year or two?

I'd say a combo! We haven't been on many big vacations, but like to take smaller ones more regularly, especially a warm-weather escape in the winter. However, even with the new baby and basement expenses, we are going to try to get in a nice, big trip this fall to celebrate our five-year anniversary. How far we've come in five short years!

Baby B

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. Chances are you know we are expecting baby #2 mid-March. I wanted to share the other part of the story that not many know. Some people may think it’s private and shouldn’t be shared. For whatever reason, I just don't feel that way.

At around 10 weeks, I was working on a normal Thursday when I (sorry if this is TMI!) had some spotting, which is not really what you want to see at any stage in pregnancy. Back at my desk, my phone was at 5% battery life. It was 4:30 so I shut down the computer, left work quietly, and texted Joel: “I’m spotting, low cell battery. Call the OB to see what we should do, text me back.” I then used what little battery life I had to call my parents to get them in the loop. Between all of us, we got the message that the OB said to go to the ER since their offices were closing for the day, and my parents would be waiting with Brady at our house for the plan of action while Joel came from Ames.

I drove the 25-minute drive from Adel to home as fast but safely as I could. A million thoughts went through my mind. I knew the risk of miscarriage was significantly greater in the first trimester. I don’t tend to panic prematurely – I am the type who tries to stay calm and cool until I know the outcome of a situation. But it was a long drive home.

At home we decided my mom would accompany me to Mercy West, since it was close by and Joel was not due home for another 40 minutes or so. Check in went pretty fast, and Joel arrived soon after I was admitted.

At the exam, everything looked good. We were waiting on the final piece of reassurance, the ultrasound, but due to some complication at the downtown hospital, we decided to go home after three hours and do the ultrasound in our doctor’s office the next day. We felt pretty confident that nothing was wrong, but still anticipated the results of the ultrasound.

The next day, the technician got right to work. After checking a few organ-type things, she focused in on the baby. She told us, “I have good news and bad news.” That was not at all what we expected her to say! She started by telling us that she didn’t see any concerning signs or sources of bleeding, and that the baby seemed healthy and normal for 10 weeks….but that we were pregnant with twins and, unfortunately, one didn’t make it.

That was…..totally unexpected. Aside from some several jokes on my part about carrying twins, (maybe I just knew??) we never expected to hear that kind of report. We could clearly see, though, the larger, thriving baby with beating heart, and the smaller, less defined baby measuring a couple weeks behind.

The tech left Joel and me, and we didn’t quite know what to say or think. We were sad and happy at the same time. What a strange range of emotion, to be relieved I was still pregnant, but to also mourn the loss of the other baby. While I’m not sure I would know what to do with twins, no one wishes for the loss of a child.

Healthy Baby "A" at 10 weeks.

Baby "B" at 10 weeks, stopped growing around  weeks.

The twins - you can definitely tell size and developmental differences.

We met next with an OB in our practice. He came in and didn’t quite look at our chart closely, making a couple errors. Most notably, he didn’t realize one twin was no longer alive, and he was just Mr. Jolly about the whole thing, asking us if we were surprised by the ultrasound and what not. I think he thought we were ungrateful and weird when we replied with melancholy faces and indifferent expressions. After he explained the whole twin thing to us for awhile, he finally flipped the chart and realized his error.

I was still unsure what to feel the whole time we were in the appointment. The hardest part was seeing the lost baby on the ultrasound and in the photograph. I did manage a little humor, telling Joel, “You know, Dwight was a twin.” Referencing a favorite show of ours, The Office: “Yeah I was a twin. I reabsorbed the other fetus. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.” It made him smile, and I think he was glad to see I was doing ok with the situation.

We are now just weeks away from delivery. We weren't sure if we'd see anything of Baby B on the 20-week ultrasound, and to our untrained eyes, we didn't.

It’s a strange feeling, knowing we lost that baby. Many people who miscarry don’t tell people about it. I can understand why some would want to keep that private. For whatever reason, I think I’m the opposite. It feels unfair to just pretend he or she never existed. Most people would never know they lost a twin since you don’t actually miscarry the fetus. I’m so thankful we didn’t plan on having twins and then find out otherwise: we found out at the same time that we had two and lost one.

In the book Heaven is for Real, the author claims that his son met a girl in Heaven who was the miscarried child of his parents. That she was alive and well in Heaven, and anticipating the day her parents would get there and name her and meet her. I don’t know if that is true, if unborn children, who would never be viable outside of the womb, are in Heaven, but I like to think that could be the case. And maybe someday, we will get the joyful surprise of meeting a child we never got to hold and love here on Earth.

So, this is our recognition of little Baby B. We can't wait to meet Baby A in March :)

On a side note: our neighborhood has eight houses, with three pregnancies at once. The other two families are expecting or just had twins and, well, we were on that path, too. We marvel at how statistically impossible that is! So, I don’t know what’s going on, but if you don’t want twins, don't move here :)

A Mother's Love

One thing I've wondered since Brady was born is how I could possibly love another child as much as I love him.

From the moment Brady was put into my arms, he had my heart. It truly is a miraculous connection, which I've written about before, but I couldn't help but wonder how I would be able to love another child as much.

You see, once Brady was born, he had my whole heart. All of it. No other kid even held a candle in comparison. That's normal, I think. So what happens when baby #2 comes along? How is that 100% distributed? Do you lose some love for child #1 to accommodate for another child? Do I care less about the new baby than I did about Brady when he was born? How can you divide a mother's love?

I guess time will tell, but I have this funny feeling it won't divide, but simply double. It's a concept that puts mathematics and logic aside. The 100% love I have for Brady will remain, and instantly my capacity to love will be doubled. It's probably a lot like God's love for us: we don't get a fragment of His love, we get 100% of His unconditional love, all the time.

I guess I'll find out soon enough :)

Boy or Geal? ANNOUNCEMENT

So who was right? If you remember, Brady was pretty sold on the idea of the baby being a boy. In fact, he recently told me that if it was a "geal", that he wouldn't like the baby! Ahhh, the words of a two-year-old :)

Well I think everyone predicted a girl, even Joel and I! We were a little surprised on Wednesday when the technician turned to us and said, "Well, he's right....we have a boy here!" 

Brady, not so surprised, declared with a smirk, "I KNEW it was a boy....I told you...."

It's true, we would have loved to add a girl to the family, but are excited that Brady will have a little brother to harass and bully love and play with. And, needless to say, Brady is pretty excited! He also likes to point out the "wee-wee" on the ultrasound photos....oh dear.

We are currently in the midst of finishing our basement, which in a ranch home is quite an undertaking (more on that some other day), and while I had grand plans for a little girl nursery, it will be so much less stressful (and easier on the checkbook!) since we already have what we need for this little guy.

Most importantly, everything checked out normally, baby is growing perfectly, and, maybe not so important but still - I'm not yet a whale! :) Although Halloween candy might do me in.

Hopefully soon I will be getting to some posts on the basement project, the nursery, a garden recap, some pregnancy updates, and more....stay tuned!

Boy or Geal?

Boy or Girl? Our ultrasound is scheduled for November 2 - 21 weeks! Although with three nephews and a son ourselves, having a girl seems like the impossible :)

What does Brady think? When we ask him, he gets this cute smirk/smile on his face with his eyes rolled up in the air like he's searching for the answer and he declares, "Maybe it's a boy!" Once in awhile we can get him to say "Maybe it's a geal (girl)!" but even if he does, he always comes back to "Or....maybe it's a boy!"

Needless to say, big brother is hoping for a little brother - we'll see if he's right!

18 Weeks and Counting....

I've been on a bit of a blog-cation lately, which tends to happen in the summer. But I had an added reason the last few months to be less-than-inspired when it comes to anything that required work, effort, brainstorming....energy of any kind really!

Joel and I are expecting a new addition to the family in March, and we are excited! Although, the first 14 weeks, I was not excited about anything....ever.

When I was pregnant with Brady, I remember feeling really sick and nauseous, eating gross and random things, and never wanting to get off the couch. Which, lucky for me, was doable since I didn't have a job. I'm not sure if I really was sicker this time, or if it was just the the fact that I have a job now - oh yeah, and this little thing called a TODDLER to keep up with - but I was miserable.

I stayed home at all cost. I went to bed at 9pm (before Brady). I slept as much as I could, including naps. One silver lining: instead of craving canned ravioli and fish sticks this time, I turned to Claussen pickles, ginger ale, and Mrs. Grass chicken noodle soup to calm my stomach. I felt sick most all of the time, but especially toward the evening hours. So yeah, I was a LOT of fun to be around.

We found out about our little bundle on my birthday, July 8....20 minutes before our closest friends came over for a party in my honor. It was hard to keep our excitement to ourselves (and to not drink alcohol and go un-noticed!) but we managed. Girls, if you thought I was adamant that night about our period-math discussion, it was because I had just calculated it myself, and my "suppose you got pregnant mid-June...you would be due mid-March" assertion was not purely speculatory :)

At any rate, I FINALLY made it over the first trimester hump, and am feeling exponentially better. After a  scare at week 10 (which I'll write about more another time), I was really reminded of what my body is going through and why this temporary YUCKINESS is really all worth it.

For now, my main battles are lightheadedness/faint feeling, round ligament pain (I do NOT remember having that with Brady....Yowch!), massive headaches, and weight gain. Although I swore to myself I would be more responsible and not gain 50+ pounds ever again, and I thought my marathon training last year would give me a head start with that, so we'll see. I'm hoping I can eat smarter and exercise more than I did during Brady's second trimester to curb that trend. I have no desire to relive looking like Princess Fiona - Ogre version (Joel's words!); to explain to people that yes, I was smiling in the post-birth photos with Brady, but my FAT FACE prevented my cheeks from moving; or to use any other photo of myself as birth control for my teenage youth group ("see what I looked like? you better be married before you have children because NO MAN is going to stick by you looking like that unless you are married!).

Ah, the joys of pregnancy. 18 weeks down, 22 to go!

Around 15 weeks: I intentionally wore a shirt to hide things for our annual family photos :)

DUUUUUDE!!

The other night, I was reading bedtime stories to Brady. He wanted to read a book where a bunch of animals just say "shhhhh," which I thought was too boring, so I changed it. 

"Meeeooowww" says the cat and "Ruffff" says the dog. I changed everything from "shhhh" to the noise that particular animal makes. Then, we came to the turtle page.

Now, I can bluff my way through most animals, doing a blubbery noise for fish, a nibbling noise for bunnies, etc. But that turtle completely stumped me. After a few seconds, I just said, "I don't know what turtles say; turtles don't say anything!"

Brady waited a second, looked at me, and told me, "No, nemo turtle say DUUUUUUDDDDEEE!"

FATS!

The other day, Brady and I were at the mall. He is in a phase where he likes to hold my hand and run as out of control as possible, which he calls "fats" (he means FAST, but it sounds like fats). So we were running "fats" all the way down the center aisle of Jordan Creek. He particularly enjoys it when we both yell out that we are going "fats". Some people laugh, some people are probably annoyed, but overall it's really pretty harmless. At least he is holding my hand and not running half way down the length of the mall, turning around every few seconds to see me chasing him only to squeal and run faster, duck into a jewelry store, and cling to the leg of some poor guy looking at rings with his girlfriend....but that's a different story.

So there we were, doing our thing, when we came to the section where those back massager guys are. You know what I'm talking about: those guys who always try to get you to put your face in the chair hole for a few minutes so they can rub your back and make a few bucks. There was one young woman taking advantage of these services right as Brady and I whooshed by. At this moment, Brady chose to stop talking so the only thing you could hear was me randomly shouting "FATS". To a young woman. With her head down in a hole. Who was more than slightly overweight....

She kind of looked up at me, and I quickly proceeded to "tell" Brady we were running FAST, in hopes she would think I actually said FAST, and wasn't just giving her a run-by insult. I have no idea if she heard me, if it was coincidence she looked up as I said FATS, or if she got that I was running "fast" with my son; but I felt bad nonetheless! Mommies say the darndest things....

Happy Birthday, Boy!

It's a couple days late, but I wanted to wish my little guy a happy second birthday! He is so funny, strange, crazy, stubborn, sweet, and irritating all at the same time :) 

We were happy to have another unseasonably warm birthday party for him on his actual birthday this past Sunday. Thank you to all our family for visiting us on Brady's special day :)

I can't believe how the time has gone so quickly. My prayers for his next year of life include patience, health, and for the year to go SLOWLY!

Baby Einstein

I am a HUGE fan of Baby Einstein. I know not everyone is, but I definately am. I know the pending lawsuits against the makers and marketers of Baby Einstein. But none of that matters when a mother needs a few moments of respite from a high-energy child!

I've done all the research on the impact television has on children under two. I also think people make way too big a deal about the effects of television and videos on children. I really don't believe that a little television is going to have adverse effects on Brady. Many people decide not to let their children watch television and that is just fine; I hope people understand my decision to let him. When he gets up and dances to "Word World", learns about spelling, remembers animal names, and develops favorite characters, I view it as a good thing.

From the first few months of Brady's life, he's been watching Baby Einstein. No matter what he's doing, if the World or Neighborhood Animals videos come on, he sits perfectly still and is mesmorized. This has been a wonderful tool in our household! I don't know how or why some animals, puppets, and babies have that effect on him, but I don't care - it works. And beyond the "sit-still" factor, Brady has learned a lot from these videos! I can talk about animals and make sounds all I want, but when he actually sees them in action on his television is when that animal becomes real and memorable to him. And living in Iowa, we aren't exactly able to go see the dolphins, bears, monkeys, parrots, etc. that he gets to see in these videos.

Sadly, some people think it is necessary to sue Baby Einstein because it was originally marketed as having positive effects on babies' brainwaves, and thus actually making children smarter. While I don't know all of the details, I think this is just a shame. Any parent who buys a video believing it will turn his or her child into a genius is just silly. Parents who are looking for a "quick fix" for their child's intelligence without actually putting in the time to teach them should maybe reconsider the parenting thing. No video will ever be a viable substitute for active parenting. I don't think the makers of Baby Einstein intended for it to be, so however misleading the marketing may have seemed, maybe we should be wagging our fingers at the parents who actually thought it would do these things.

Not-So-Working Girl

A week and a half ago, I was let go from my part-time job. I knew our company was struggling and had lost a couple major clients, but I didn't realize a third of the company was going to be let go, or that I was one of them.

Even though I've never been fired or let go before, losing your job is never fun. You tend to think it had something to do with you, even when they assure you it didn't. And since it was a family friend's business that I worked for, it is also hard knowing they are struggling to keep their company afloat.

For me, though, it was almost a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I have been feeling discontent in my position for awhile now. I was nearing the two-year mark in this position, and I was restless. I don't do desk jobs well. I enjoy writing, proofing, and design, but I felt like I was doing very little of that in my job and more just the stuff no one else wanted to do because I was the part-timer. But even if I was doing more of the things I enjoyed, it would only prolong the inevitable stirring I always feel about a year into a desk job: this is not my purpose, not why God put me on this Earth. And the longer I stay here, the longer it will take for me to figure out what that purpose is.

Even though I was struggling with this job, I couldn't justify leaving. It was a great set up for me working just part-time, the hours were flexible, and the company is very family-oriented so I always knew if my family needed me, they could still come first. I felt pressure to keep my work skills sharp, contribute to the income of our household, use the education my parents paid for, and be "successful" at something other than being a mom (as the world tells us we need to). All of this meant I would continue to try and convince my increasingly-unhappy self that I should keep my job.

I don't think it's a coincidence I was let go last Monday. While I don't yet know the reason for it, I really hope this time I figure it out. But in the meantime, I am going to really enjoy my summer at home with Brady, just being a mom.

Lock the Doors

I exercise at the YMCA after work on Mondays, so that means I have four bags to haul with me in the morning (purse, lunch bag, diaper back, and gym bag). I always take them out to the car first, then go back in the house to get Brady. On this particular Monday morning, Brady was extra tired so we let him in his pajamas. I left Brady snoozing on the couch, went out the garage door, and placed the bags in the car. Upon hearing the door shut, Brady started to cry, so I went to the door to get him, turned the knob, and....nothing. After a half-second panic, I remembered my keys were in my purse in the car. So, I grabbed them, turned the key, and....nothing. NOTHING!

My mind raced as I thought SURELY there had to be a way in the house. Brady's screams got louder as he heard me outside the door. I quickly determined there was no way in the house, so I'd have to call my parents and hope we had given them a key to the house. I went back to my purse to grab....nothing. My cell phone was in the house (not that it works where we live, anyway!). No phone, no key, Joel was driving to Ames, and I had locked myself out of the house with a screaming toddler inside.

Normally, we dead-bolt our garage door, but don't turn the lock on the handle. For whatever reason the night before, I turned it. And Joel normally works from home. And normally, our garage door doesn't even shut behind you; you have to turn around and pull it shut. For whatever reason, all these "normallys" disappeared to create one big mess.

I called my parents from a neighbor's house; they didn't have a key. So, I called Joel to come home and unlock the door. In the meantime, my neighbor, my parents, and I all took turns trying my key in different doors, talking to Brady, and trying to coax him to open the garage door. I'm not sure why he thought he had to stay on the couch at first, but once he was up, he stopped crying as long as he could see someone through the front door window. While my dad knocked on the garage door, I peered through the front window trying to get Brady to open the door. He'd get about one foot away from the garage door, then he'd stop and just look at it. Little stinker! Finally, daddy showed up and saved the day, only to determine I didn't even HAVE a house key. I have no idea what key I was trying to use to get in the house...

Thankfully, it wasn't the worst possible way to discover I didn't have a house key! It was nice outside, it wasn't cold or rainy, Brady was safe inside, and being a 1/2 hour late to work wasn't a big deal. The ironic thing is all along I've been so cautious not to lock Brady in the car when I guess I should have been paying more attention to the house!

Let it Grow: Garden Update #1

Last week I told you I was starting a garden, and that I would keep you updated on how things are going. Pretty soon I will be including pictures, but for now, you'll just have to imagine it :)

I started my garden in an old egg carton, but soon realized I did not go through enough eggs or save enough cartons to get my garden started, so I bought one of those peat kits with 72 little pods. Now my little dirtballs (literally) are overgrown with greens....the sprouts of watermelon, cantaloupe, cucumber, onion, tomato, corn, peppers, and more are showing signs of life! Pretty soon I am going to have to transplant them to Styrofoam cups or larger peat pots; they are all a few inches tall now and the roots are busting out of the dirtballs.

I'm still really nervous about the actual outdoor garden, though. I'm not sure what to do about this walnut tree situation. It seems like my only solution is to do an above-ground garden, but I'm still worried the poison that the tree emits through its roots and fruits will get into my plants and kill them. I feel really (strangely!) protective of my growing plants, and feel like planting them outside will be like a death sentence for them. I suppose it's kind of like having a baby (just go with me on this one....). You spend nine months waiting for those first signs of life, getting excited at the first kicks, knowing he or she is safe inside, and that you are solely responsible for not only his or her existence, but his or her survival. YOU control how able your baby is to survive. Sure, there is some room for error, but as long as you provide the necessities, your baby should grow and thrive. 

Then one day, the baby is removed from that safe, comfortable, controlled environment its always known and transplanted to a world where you are no longer the only factor in your baby's survival. It's a little bit scary every time you leave your baby with someone else, or feed him or her food you did not prepare, or leave him or her to external factors you cannot control. At some point, you just have to trust that the lungs will work, the safety measures you prepared will protect, and that you've done all you can to prepare this baby for a fruitful life outside the womb. 

Yes, strange as it might seem, I feel like a mom getting ready to transplant her kids to a world where not everything is controllable. And all I can hope for is that I have done all I can to prepare them for the elements of life outside the "womb"...and maybe that a hungry rabbit won't come and eat my garden.

Spring Has Sprung

It is March 29, and this week is going to be the first time in at least four months that we will experience temperatures in the 70’s. Although this whole month has been, minus one snowstorm, decently mild and pleasant, I cannot express how happy it makes me to see the current forecasted temperatures after the long, cold, snowy winter we just experienced here in Iowa. I truly feel like an animal coming out of hibernation. We are meeting some of our neighbors some of whom we have never even seen in the five months we’ve lived in our house. Birds are chirping, plants are blooming, and Brady is loving the outdoors.

I am so excited about our first summer in the new house. Although I have extremely little experience growing plants, I plan to plant a huge garden this year. It will probably fail: I’m sure there is some rule about planting certain things next to each other, and spacing them apart, and stuff like that. I also want to plant lots of tulips and daisies and other colorful flowers in front of our house….which will probably all be eaten by the deer. But I don’t care. I don’t know when or where this love for gardening and flowers came from (well, from my grandma I suppose!), but just like cooking and baking, I hope that I am able to overcome my extreme shortfalls and grow a successful crop this year. I did already warn Joel that he will have to do the weeding, though, because I CAN NOT risk seeing/touching spiders. I already found a huge one in our garage when I was clearing out empty boxes and that was the end of my garage project!

I can’t wait to go to the pool with Brady this summer. And take him to parks. He’s so different now – at the end of last summer he was just barely beginning to walk, and now he runs. I was able to still “wear” him in a pouch, or at least push him in a stroller, but now he wants to be the pusher and the walker. Last year he hated the grass, but he doesn’t seem to mind it now. Last year he couldn’t care less about most things, but now he stops at every piece of dirt and exclaims “KKKKKK!” (his word for ICK). We might have to work on that one….he thinks everything outside is dirty. He may be a little neurotic :)

Yes, spring is here, the weather is warming, and I am more than ready for it.

Please State Your Emergency...

Last week, Joel was working late so Brady and I were home alone. He was being a crab this particular evening, so against my better judgment, I let him play with our phone. The beeps of the buttons seemed to please him for a few minutes, and I was just glad something was distracting him. The kid is really into phones right now – so there he was, just wandering around, pushing buttons and holding it to his ear…

After I was able to pry the phone away from Brady and in the midst of feeding him supper, I heard a knock at our door. Then the doorbell rang. Now, about twelve different scenarios ran through my head as I stood to go to the door. It was probably a neighbor. Or maybe my parents….but they always call. It could be a motorist with a broken down vehicle – but that was unlikely. If you know where our new house is located, you know there is NO traffic whatsoever that would lead to a motorist knocking on my front door. Then the “mom” instinct kicked in as I rounded the corner….it’s probably fine, but what if it’s some weirdo? Do I answer the door? I don’t want to be paranoid, but it’s better safe than sorry….I have a son to think about, and Joel isn’t home. It’s dark with no street lights, and we are surrounded by woods. My mind flashed to the garage and I reassured myself the door was down.

I could see the person at the door was a man dressed all in black with a flashlight. My “mom” instinct cranked up a notch. I got closer to the door but had resolved I wouldn’t open it until I was sure it was safe and I recognized the person outside. But as I got closer, I saw a shiny flash on this man’s shirt: it was a badge. I quickly saw it was a police officer at the door and I again started racing through the thoughts: was Joel hurt? Did someone call the cops on us? Brady was screaming loudly earlier – perhaps they thought it was domestic disturbance? But then again, we are pretty remote so the chance of anyone hearing his screams was minimal…

I opened the door and the officer greeted me politely and asked if someone had called 9-1-1. I was puzzled and said no, definitely not (you can imagine where this is going by now…). Then my eyes got really big as I realized what must have happened. I told the officer, “Oh my gosh, my 1-year-old son had the phone earlier…he must have managed to dial 9-1-1!” He was a very nice young man and simply said as long as everyone was ok, it wasn’t a big deal. I said good night, closed the door, and walked back to my son, who was quiet during this whole incident and who was now smiling mischievously in his high chair, as if he knew what he’d just done and was thinking, “Ha ha, gotcha mom!”

They always say not to let kids play with phones: they could accidentally call someone, even 9-1-1! I never thought Brady would actually manage to accomplish that task, but this certainly reminded me of one thing: never underestimate the abilities of a curious toddler.

Birthday Boy

Happy birthday to my sweet little boy! He turned one on the 7th – where did THAT year go? During an unseasonably warm weekend, we enjoyed grilling out at our new house with family, playing yard games in 70+ degree weather, and hosting some friends in the evening for a movie.

As I got ready for church the following morning, I was holding Brady in the shower. I know I won’t be able to do it for much longer, but it’s easier and Brady prefers showers with mom over baths, so that’s usually how I bathe him. Anyway, his little feet were cold from being sockless on our kitchen floor. I cradled him in the shower, the warm water on his little toes. Normally he would squirm around after a few seconds, but this particular morning, he was totally content to just lie in my arms and stare up at me. No squirming, no poking at my eyes or mouth, not even a smile. It eerily reminded me of the first moment I got to hold him after he was born; how he just stared at me without expression, but grasped my hand so tightly and wouldn’t let go. That was the moment I knew he would have my heart forever. Now I looked at this 20+ pound little boy in my arms, with a personality, with likes and dislikes, with the ability to communicate.

I really don’t know where the last year went. But I’m trying to slow down and appreciate the little moments with him, so that they don’t go by so quickly, and so I don’t forget. Like this morning – it took probably 20 minutes just to dress Brady because he would not let go of my neck. He just wanted to hug me and if he even thought I was considering pulling away, he would tighten his grasp around my neck, bury his face in mine, and wrap his legs around me. Those are the moments I live for as a mom – knowing that there is nowhere else and with no one else my baby would rather be.

I’ve learned a lot this year: I don’t get very much done when Brady and I are home; I need more patience; I didn’t know I could love a child this much; and so much more. And while I am very excited by every stage, every milestone that he reaches, I am deeply saddened when I realize I will never get those moments back. No matter how many children I have, Brady, my firstborn, will never be “fill-in-the-blank” age again. So I resolve this year to let the little things go – if I am five minutes late for work because my son wants his mommy to hug him, that’s just the way it’s going to be.